I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
