somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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