Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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