The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You need a sexual gate keeper
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
