Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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