I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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