I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
