Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
