I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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