im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
