nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
