Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
