She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
