My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
