Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
