I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
