You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
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