my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
