oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
