I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
