She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
it's like iHOP with fire
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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