Fine. I'll sleep in my office
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize