I showed him my bush... on skype.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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