I never want to see another naked old woman again.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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