I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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