I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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