someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
