i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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