My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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