We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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