Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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