What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
