Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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