The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
