You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
