dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
