i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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