I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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