Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
