My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize