So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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