My liver just broke up with me...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
