Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
