Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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