So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
