So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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