Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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