My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
