you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
