The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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