Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
