You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
