I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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