You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
