I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
