haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
